GLASTONBURY SURVIVAL GUIDE. Worthy Lane, Shepton Mallet Somerset England

The aim of the game is to travel light enough that you can carry you bag for 40 mins, but well enough to cater for all conditions.

1) Wellies. (Better/cheaper to buy in advance.) Please note. Wellies are fantastic for hair removal. You will lose any hair on your calves. If you wanna get the huge fishing style ones that come up to your waste, you will be laughing if we have bad mud. If we have very little mud, you might wish you had something smaller.

2) Trainers. You can’t wear wellies solid. You will need something comfortable to walk in for the dry times.

3) Bring sandals if you want, but these are not a replacement for trainers.

4) Waterproof jacket with hood.

5) If possible, get your hands on a plastic poncho. This can go over the top of your jacket and bag, to keep you comfortable. You can chuck it at the end.

6) Ruck sack or one of those little draw string type bags you get at JJB sport. Has to be something you can carry all day. Preferably over both shoulders.

7) Use your own judgement for tops and T’s. I tend to bring 1 for each day and then throw in an extra 1 or 2 for luck.

8 ) Pants. Wearing underwear has many advantages. You can learn more at your local nursery school.

9) Socks. You will need decent socks. Bring a variety. If you can get a couple of thick hiking socks, throw those in too, to wear with your wellies. Wellies can get pretty uncomfortable.

10) Sun cream. Very important. Get a good strong spray one and carry it around everywhere, so i don’t have to! DO NOT bring oils or factor -50. I’m not gonna carry you when you pass out…

11) purse/wallet. Empty the contents of your purse and put only the vital things in a cheap crappy wallet. (You only need driving license, one debit card and some cash).

12) Heavy duty bag. Bring a good strong bag. I prefer a duffle bag. Wheely bags are not much good off road, and can’t be collapsed into a small space in your tent.

13) Plastic bags. Grab a few bin liners. These things are more useful than you think. They serve as a good place to put any mud drenched clothes, a instant dry spot to sit on, or extremely effective contraception.

14) Torch. If you have a cheap little torch, bring it along. Mainly for using in your tent at night.

15) Booze booze booze. Alcohol is available everywhere you look. Lots of beer and cider, at London prices. If you wanna get tipsy, you might wanna bring something to help you out. Walking is pretty good as sobering you up, so you can find yourself spending silly amounts of cash on beers that don’t seem to have enough effect. I like to bring a bottle of spirits along. (Carrying a crate of beer from the car is just too much work and warm beer is poo). Please note that glass is not allowed on site, so transfer anything you can to plastic containers before you get to the gate. I’m gonna get me a big bottle of dark rum, some long life juice (fresh juice is pointless, when stored in a tent) and a sports water bottle. Make a mix every morning and keep it in my bag all day… Genius!

16) You don’t need too many pairs of trousers and shorts. I’d say 1 pair of jeans for the night. 1 pair of lighter trouser. 1 pair of shorts and throw in a pair of jogger bottoms for comfort.

17) Getting home dry. It is vital that you bring 1 full set of extra clothes to leave in the car. There is nothing nicer than getting back to the car at the end of the festival and putting on clean dry clothes. Leave these in the car and you can dream about them from time to time. MMmmmm comfy clean shoes! ….. plus, your not getting in my car with your muddy crap on!!

18) Phone and charger. There will be a mobile phone charging service, but the cues are LONG. If you have your own charger and you cheekily ask an info point if they can spare a plug socket for 30 mins, you’re laughing.

19) Food. I like to bring a little bit of food. I used to bring enough for the whole festival, but it weighs too much. There is a lot of great food about. It’s all over priced tho. Bring a little bit of food along tho. Pot noodles are pointless without boiling water. (If you’re cheeky and ask the Info point to use their kettle you could get away with it)… tho they will always taste of arse. Raw meet is pointless. You can bring a disposable BBQ, but trust me…. it’s not worth it. Think more along the lines of crisps, cereal bars, tins (Limit yourself. They are heavy) Personally, I don’t think taking a gas stove is worth while. Just heavy. I’d rather buy than cook and carry the weight….. unless you want to carry it and cook for me. Then I think it’s a great idea.

20) Waterproof trousers. I’ve been to a lot of Glastonburys. You could call me the Glastonbury guru. You could call me the Shepton Mallet oracle. You could call me “Well buff, innit!” Tho I have never taken water proof trousers. Last year I did wish I had some. This might be due to a work shift I had to do in a storm, but either way, I think I might buy some.

21) Sun glasses. Cheap shitty ones!!!!

22) Not a fashion show. No one cares what you look like. After 1 day, you will have 100’s of thousands of people walking about with bed head and looking like they don’t know their arse from their elbow. If you look good, you will look like a twat. Ugly and messy is the new cool. Forget what you learnt so far in life. The gloves are off. Time to get MUCKY!! Whoop whoooo!!!

23) Mud is your friend. Embrace the mud. It is your friend. It is more scared of you than you are of it. Accept the fact that you might get a little mud on your stuff, but it’s only mud.

24) Water. Always have a bottle of water on you. It’s so easy to get dehydrated or sun stroke from all the walking and sun.

25) Resting your bum. If it is another muddy one, you will all of a sudden realise that what you thought was important in life was totally irrelevant. There is only one thing that is important in this life…. sitting down. Bringing a fold up chair can really be an awesome luxury. If it’s sunny, you will not care, as you can sit anywhere, but if it’s wet you will love it. Some people get chairs with straps and carry them to all the acts. It will no doubt drown in mud if you do this, but maybe it’s worth it. I’ll check the weather report before I leave. If it’s gonna rain hard, I’ll probably get one. My last one did break…. they always do. If you do get one, get a cheap shitty one.

26) Showering. Keeping clean is easy. You can just have a Glastonbury shower. This involves a tent, a packet of wet wipes and 1 minute. If you really are in need of a shower and can’t go on, there is a communal shower thingy in the Green Peace field. Use it if you want…… wimp!

27) Potty time. One thing I have noticed about humans is that they all poo. Even the pretty ones. To deal with this, during your festival, we will be using a variety of different facilities. There are 2 main types of potty. You have your regular portaloo and open top/bottom cubicles. The center of the site will be mainly portaloos, usually with bigger cues. In the camping areas, you will find cubicles. These are located above a huge pit of dung. Yummy! Tho they sound pretty rank, I’d always much rather go to a cubicle. The portaloos can sometimes be too enclosed and smelly for me. Open air cubicles can be quite refreshing. It helps to take something with a strong smell to put under your nose. One trick I have discovered is to go with a can of beer and keep that under your nose. You will not smell anyones mess. If it rains, take the opportunity to take a refreshing poo in the rain. It’s rather liberating. The rain really keeps the smell down too.

28) Pee pee time. We have done a big steaming poo, after eating some dodgy burritos, and then spent a few hours by the cider train, drinking hot spiced Somerset cider. It’s pee pee time! Us guys have an advantage here. There are urinals everywhere, which are quick and easy and don’t smell of poo. Oh to be male! But wait…. there is a solution for you ladies. The “She-pee”!!! Basically…. some hippy decided they wanted a penis, so they could stand up and pee, but were too stingy to cough up the cash for a penisplasty. Instead, they made themselves a cardboard cock. You go to the she-pee urinals and take a cardboard willy. it’s basically a funnel like contraption. Apparently a very liberating experience for the fairer sex.

29) Hat. Bring a big hat. You will get a lot of sun and need a hat. Bring one!

30) Seeing acts. One thing you will discover when you get to Glastonbury is that it’s HUGE! There are loads of great acts on, but alas you will not be able to see them all. The distance between stages is just too big. Work out which acts you just can’t miss, and note the ones you would like to see, but could live without. One of the best things about Glastonbury is you will no doubt discover loads of obscure bands that you didn’t know existed. (Some of these guys have not even made it into ‘Obscure band quarterly,’ Jes!) Don’t sod off ALL your favorite bands, but have a wonder about and just watch whatever you stumble upon.

31) Bed time. I don’t know about you guys, but I think the floor is a pretty shitty mattress. I’m gonna take an inflatable bed. These things are awesome, and make a huge difference. After walking all day, you will want to get a good nights sleep.

32) Sleeping bag. Obviously!!!

33) Tent. Obviously!!!!

34) Paracetamol. Always useful.

Ok I think I got a little carried away. That’s all I can think of at the moment. I’ll add more if I can think of anything. I have covered a lot of stuff you will only need in bad conditions. Fingers crossed you will not need a lot of it.